Death
Death. It's apart of life, right? We are all going to die someday, but when you become a parent, death means something entirely different. I am not scared of dying as in the process of my death. But when I became a mom at 17, I worried what would happen to my daughter if I died? I had plans on who would raise her. I had backup people in case others died or could no longer care for her. I still worried, but I had plans, so everything was "okay." However, when you have a child with special needs, death is something that you think about 24/7 yet a subject you want to stay far far away from. I have no plans; I have no backups, I have no one who can care for Jayden the way I do. No one. That scares me more than anything in this world has. Who? Who is going to care for this boy when I go? Who will deal with things the way I do, stand their ground no matter how hard the road is, who will walk around with 100 scratches and bite marks on them but still smile and love him as if he didn't put them there? No one. I honestly don't know a single person in my life that could take on Jayden under the same values I have for him. So what does that mean? I just can't die, right? Wrong, I'm going to die. I'm going to die with no plan in place for him? Maybe. I'm a pretty honest and blunt person. I share my thoughts without caring what people will think because it's the truth. It's what is in my mind. So here I go again. Over the last 9 years, I've thought about this more times than I know. Every single day I think about this. Every day I ask myself, did you think of someone yet? No. The answer is always no. I think, well if I die first, at least David would have my mom and brother to lean on. Hell, he could even use JFM to help him. All he would have to do is get online and post, "Nickole passed away." They could offer support, dinners, information, and maybe they would help him with Krysta. He may even find a new partner in the group, but could someone ever step in as me and help him with the kids? Maybe, but they would have to give up their lives, and I just don't see that happening. Hell, I wouldn't even walk into this family so how would I ever expect someone else to? I feel like I need to spend my life searching for my "replacement." You know, find that person who can step in as me, introduce them to the kids and David, then step back, let this person begin a relationship with David and the kids, just live single, then when I die, she's already there, ready to take over where I left off. Crazy plan, but one that I thought of more than I care to admit. I've never come across this replacement, but man would that be strange if I ever did. Hey, can you and my husband start a life together now so I can make sure you're going to work out? Ugh, my crazy thoughts lol. Or maybe if I have to die, maybe Jayden will die with me. Yes, I know, this is a horrible thought. Worse than the replacement one. But this is where my mind goes. If I get in a car wreck, would Jayden just die with me? All would be okay then, right? But what if I just died. Would David be strong enough to take on everything? I know I could in the event of David passing. I've been on my own probably more years than I've had David due to his addiction. I could go on without skipping a beat. I truly know this, but could David? I don't know. Would his addiction come back to haunt him? Then what? My family would try to care for Jayden, but how long would that last? Eventually, Jayden could end up in some place emotionally, physically, sexually abused and what could I do? Nothing, I'm dead. Statistically, these kiddos get abused more than anyone else, so it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. And this is why my thoughts keep going back to maybe our lives will end together. But, what if I get cancer or some other illness? What will happen then? I have to prepare for this; I have to figure this out, I owe it to him to come up with a plan for his future yet I'm blank. I'm blank because I don't think anyone I know can do it. I'm blank because I want things done my way. I'm blank because I don't think anyone can ever have as much love for him as I do. So I strip away all my wants, I strip away everything down to the bare minimum, and then I ask myself, who can care for him on the basic level, who will keep him alive, not abuse him, and not medicate him to the point of making him a zombie just so they can deal with him? This isn't just for a few months. This is for a lifetime! I'm blank. My stomach feels sick; I think I'm going to throw up, I guess I'll come back to this another day, but what if I die before then? I throw up, I'm done thinking about this for now, and I resume my replacement search until tomorrow when I go through this process all over again.