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Non-Verbal


Non-verbal; what does that mean? The answer seems simple enough, right? The dictionary says, “not involving or using words or speech,” which is a pretty straight forward explanation. However, I wish it was as simple as just not using words. Imagine for a day that you couldn’t use your words to express anything to anyone. Have you ever lost your voice? What did you do? Did you write things down to get your point across? Well, remove that too. Remove every single form of communication you have just for one day. Go through your day without talking or writing to anyone. Imagine removing all of that and not fully understanding the world around you. If you did not communicate with your kids or spouse tomorrow, would they “get” what you needed just from your body language alone? Probably. However, what if I placed you in a house full of strangers for the day and you couldn’t communicate? Better yet, what if I place you in a room full of people from the complete opposite culture as yours and you couldn’t communicate yet you had to depend on them for everything all day long? You couldn’t do anything without getting them to understand you first. You have a peanut allergy? Well you better figure out quickly how to express that before they feed you that peanutbutter sandwich. This, my friends, is non-verbal. So much more complicated than “not involving or using words.”

With Jayden, he doesn’t speak, and he refuses all ways of communication that I attempt to implement. He won’t use pictures or the iPad or any other crazy idea I have come up with. Why? I have no idea because he can’t tell me. This is the part of being his parent that punches me in the stomach each and every day. I must say that I have gotten pretty good at following his body language and reading his mind; however, there are so many things I miss!

For example, he has always hated taking medicine just like any other kid. However, it was necessary for him to take Tylenol sometimes, but I could never get it in him. For his entire life, I bought cherry Tylenol because that is my favorite. One day I went to the store, and they only had grape. I had no choice but to buy it. I come home, give it to him, and instead of hitting me and spitting it out, he jumped up and leaned in for more. I thought it was pretty odd. When it was time for his next dose, he rushed over happy to take it. All those years fighting me about the medication was nothing more than his hate for cherry flavor, yet I had no idea! I would get so upset and mad when he wouldn’t take his medicine when all I had to do was buy fucking grape Tylenol! Still to this day, if I say I am going to get your medicine, he gets excited because he loves the grape. If he is in the middle of throwing a fit and I say you need medicine, he stops and gets ready!

Now that example may seem funny or not something that is a huge deal but it’s not funny, and it is a huge deal. This little boy went on for years hitting, kicking, and spiting his medicine out all because he couldn’t tell me he hates fucking cherry flavored medication. What the hell else am I missing? I will honestly never know. Throughout the years I have discovered other things like this, and I will continue to figure out things over our lifetimes, but how many things will I miss? How many things could be easily solved if he could just simply tell me? I will honestly never know this answer.

When he refuses to eat a certain dinner is it because he doesn’t like one item on his plate, so he refuses it all and if I just removed the one item would he then eat? When he goes days without eating is it because he really wanted pasta and I didn’t give it to him? When he starts hitting his head “for no reason” is it because he is sick and doesn’t feel good? Tonight, that is exactly what happened. He started hitting himself for “no reason” and then threw up a little while later. However, it doesn’t mean that every time he gets mad for no reason that he is sick, but I bet it means something; however, most of the time I probably never know.

I pay very close attention to everything he does. I watch his body language, I watch where his eyes go, I listen to the different screams and cries he makes, and typically, I know what each of them means. However, his world is very limited because of this lack of communication. What if he is crying because he wants to go to the store and watch people walk around which he likes to do sometimes? I will never know. There is no way in the world for him to communicate this to me, ever. Especially since that example is something he likes but not often. It is not a thought that would ever cross my mind when he is getting mad. This, my friends, it truly the absolute hardest part of being Jayden’s Mom. Not the scratches, biting, hair pulling, or even the lack of sleep due to him staying up for 34 straight, it’s the basic lack of communication with my child that tears me up inside each and every day.

It’s the not ever hearing my child’s voice. Never hearing I love you, or hell, even an I hate you. It’s never knowing if I truly guessing the right thing he wanted or did he just give up hope that I will ever understand, so he just went with my guess because that was easier. It’s not knowing what he is feeling when he is sick or if he is experiencing side effects from medication. The doctor will tell you; this medication could cause dizziness, headache, chest pain, liver issues, and ringing in the ears so make sure you let them know if you experience any of them. Umm, how will I ever know any of these things? I won’t. I never will know if he experiences any of the side effects I just mentioned. There is no way I will ever know and that kills me. That rips my heart out and breaks it into a million pieces because I don’t know such simple things about my child. Hell, I don’t even know if he has a favorite color. Or maybe he has a favorite blanket he likes to sleep with, and because he doesn’t have it, he refuses to go to sleep. His sleep issues could be as simple as he doesn’t like his bed, pillow, or blanket and I will never know……….

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